So about a day ago I found my old pillow pet which has been lost for a couple years now. I opened it up to lay on it when I found this letter.
Carson, the boy who wrote this, was my cousin. He committed suicide on February 28th, 2010, 5 days after this letter was written. He left no note, there was nothing of importance on his phone, and everyone was left grieving the loss with no goodbye.
We were close, really close and this letter proves exactly how much we loved each other. I barely saw him, but when I did we talked and acted as if not a day had gone by since our last get together. We had deep conversations about his life and how rough it had been, but I had never expected him to end it all. Especially since he was always smiley and joking around with me.
Little did I know, so much had been going on at home that I had no idea about. I thought he was brutally honest with me, but there was so much more hidden underneath.
The thing that kills me about this note is that he can still be a jokester when he’s talking about committing suicide and how he played our song while he did it.
I cried for days and weeks on end until I finally accepted the fact that he was gone and I couldn’t do anything to bring him back. I haven’t cried about it since the summer of that year, but when I found this note the tears fell like nothing else in the world mattered. I cried more than I have ever cried before.
If you can’t read it, the letter wrote: “Hey Amber,
If you’re reading this that means that you have found your pillow pet! I was the one that stole it and hid it, but it looks like you have uncovered it so good for you!
I think I should let you know why I wrote this letter…
I just wanted to tell you that through all the tough times I’ve been having recently, you were the one to help me through. You were the one to make me smile. It really sucks that I only see you once a month because you always make me feel better even when I don’t want to. You always make me happy when no one else can. I love you more than a friend, more than a sister, more than anyone.
The reason behind this letter is to let you know that what I’m going to do has nothing to do with you. You were the person to keep my spirit lifted and I probably wouldn’t have lasted this long without you. By the time you read this letter I will most likely be gone. I want you to know that this is my choice and no matter what, you wouldn’t have been able to stop me. It’s gotten to be too much and I’m done.
You will probably wonder why I ended it. You will probably wish you could’ve saved me, or at least have said goodbye. Just know that I will love you forever, even up in heaven or wherever I go, and I hope you will always keep me in mind.
I don’t have much more to say. I guess the last thing for me to say is something I really don’t want to say.
Goodbye, Amber. Have a great life without me and I will be watching over you, leading you through it.
Squeezes and Smooches,
“Gummy Boy” (AKA Carson)
P.S. I should let you know that when I do it, I will be playing our song.
P.P.S If I come back as a ghost, you will be the first person I visit. Just remember our secret knock so you know it’s me.”
This post is a tribute to him.
January 2, 1994 - February 28, 2010
I miss you and love you and hope you are having the time of your life up in the clouds